Squeezed

11/8/2016

Numb, listening, unbelieving, shock.

Can’t breathe, pain, dizzy, feeling squeezed.

This has been my week. I knew I was triggered by this person, but I didn’t think that his presence in position would affect me this way. I knew there was the possibility of him to become President, but I pushed the thought away. It’s my fault for not dealing with this sooner, now I am in the whirlpool of anxiety, fighting the tide. For many, they don’t understand my anxiety and PTSD. They think that I am upset because “my party” lost. I claim no party as my own. I am triggered by this man’s words and mannerisms. The way he conducts himself reminds me so much of Pastor W. Pastor W was also praised as a good businessman and as someone who would “motivate”. Pastor W also felt that he could do what he wished to other people and they would “let” him because he was in a position of power. Pastor W also taught these morals to his 9 children. Pastor W’s second oldest son Ted raped me, and not just once, it went on for two years. Ted molested me for five years before that, and when I reached out for help, no one saved me. When the rape started I was completely alone. I fought it the first few times, but I was weaker than he. It was scary and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was the one at fault and that I had made a horrible mistake somehow, but I didn’t know what the right thing was to do. I walked out of the church one night trying to avoid Ted, when I did I heard screaming coming from a car. It was not a car that belonged to anyone at the church. A young girl opened a moving car door and tried to get out, screaming. She was pulled back in as the car sped away. I thought “this is my life”. If I am in the church I am raped, and if I am out of the church, I am raped. I thought it was better that at least I knew the person who was raping me. Eight years later I made the decision to leave that place and never return. I decided that I was never going to let anyone treat me that way again, and that no one like that would ever have power over me again.

This week, a familiar figure has taken power of my country, and I am distraught. Not because he is or is not the best person for the job. Because of the way he has talked about people. Because of the things he has said and what he has done. He is the same as the cult leaders, and I am terrified.

~E

 

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