“What was up with us always having to watch movies all the time?”
I think I have already written about the incessant movie-watching, but I will talk about it again. Last evening I was doing online homework and part of it was summarizing a short film. My first reaction was that I didn’t want to do it. I realize that this is because in the cult, the leaders would have us watch movies, and we were to apply our life lessons to the film. Everyone was supposed to “see” something different, as each application was individual. I HATED this process. It seemed that no matter what I “saw” out of the movie, I was incorrect. The process of watching a movie, summarizing, being told we were wrong, and getting in trouble (late night meetings, phone calls, yelling in the office), could potentially go on for weeks. A person never knew if it was their turn to be the one picked on. It was a very stressful process for me, and I wish to never re-live that. Presently, when I am faced with a movie summary for a class or otherwise, I sort through those feelings, realize that because it happened THEN does not mean it’s happening NOW. I consciously clear my mind to live in the present.
“But still, why did they have us do this?”
This is my trap, the “why” trap. My mind trying to analyze and sort out their actions. The truth is that it does not matter why, and I will never truly know why. I am trying to find something that makes sense when the things that happened and were taught to us will never make sense.
“It was wrong, and awful.”
I am okay to admit that what the “authority” did during that time was wrong. When they thought I was dressing too provocative, they showed me a rape scene in a movie. When Ted wanted to do things to me that I didn’t want to do, he showed me awful sex/rape scenes in an adult movie. When they wanted me to stop being sad about my dog dying, they showed me animals being killed in movies. Their referral was not the Bible, like many Christian organizations, their referral was to a movie. No wonder my view of the world was so messed up, when all I had to refer to was movies.
“I didn’t even like movies.”
Before the cult, I would read a book when my family was watching a movie. I would listen and watch halfway, but I am much more of a book person and not a movie person. I would draw. I do not like to sit still and stare at a screen for hours. I am finding this person again; the one that loves books and pencils. She is coming back to life, and I’m welcoming her.