Laying awake, huge and pregnant, I can’t sleep. I had to sleep in the recliner chair because laying flat was too uncomfortable. The laptop glowed next to me in case I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. This baby wouldn’t let me rest as he kicked all day and night. “Will this baby sleep even after he is born?” I wondered. Thank goodness for relatives on the East Coast. They woke up early. Aunt Sandy would message me. I would tell her my worries about my unborn child. Will I be a good enough mother? Will my baby survive? She calmed me. She told me “Love ’em while you got ’em”. In other words, born or unborn, give them all my love. She was great at calming my fears with simple answers. I asked her “How are you doing? Is the chemo making you sick?” She would say that she was fine, but wasn’t sleeping well.
She met my second child, my rainbow baby, the day before she joined the angels. I will never forget her words. “Just love on ’em.” She would say. Even with her weak arms she held Troy. She looked in his eyes and gave him all her love. I’ll never forget the blessing of my baby during her time of leaving. I still can’t get rid of the blanket in which she held my baby. She said it was so soft, the softest thing she ever felt. As she rested in the hospital bed, I laid it on her feet.
Her words echoed in my head every time I was frustrated. My rainbow baby drove me crazy. “Why are you doing that?” I would yell while he insisted on acting out of control. Day after day of frustration I would remind myself to love him through it. The love brought perseverance. My rainbow baby, now a toddler, was showing delays; so we sought help. When that help wasn’t enough, we looked somewhere else. This week, he was diagnosed with mild/moderate Autism. I will love him through it. I will love him through everything. He can now show the world everything which he is capable. Aunt Sandy knew that it wouldn’t always be easy, and she gave me the best advice. I learned to see my children, and love them no matter what.