Unforgiven

Rocking out in the car. That’s what the boys and I do every morning on our way to school. Today was no exception. Naturally, when Metallica came on, I turned it up. Unforgiven is one of my favorite songs. I feel like I relate to the baby/boy/man in that song. I will share the lyrics with you now:

New blood joins this earth,
And quickly he’s subdued.
Through constant pained disgrace
The young boy learns their rules.

With time the child draws in.
This whipping boy done wrong.
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man struggles on and on he’s known
A vow unto his own,
That never from this day
His will they’ll take away.

What I’ve felt,
What I’ve known
Never shined through in what I’ve shown.
Never be.
Never see.
Won’t see what might have been.

What I’ve felt,
What I’ve known
Never shined through in what I’ve shown.
Never free.
Never me.
So I dub thee unforgiven.

They dedicate their lives
To running all of his.
He tries to please them all –
This bitter man he is.

Throughout his life the same –
He’s battled constantly.
This fight he cannot win –
A tired man they see no longer cares.

The old man then prepares
To die regretfully –
That old man here is me.

What I’ve felt,
What I’ve known
Never shined through in what I’ve shown.
Never be.
Never see.
Won’t see what might have been.

What I’ve felt,
What I’ve known
Never shined through in what I’ve shown.
Never free.
Never me.
So I dub thee unforgiven.

[Solo]

What I’ve felt,
What I’ve known
Never shined through in what I’ve shown.
Never be.
Never see.
Won’t see what might have been.

What I’ve felt,
What I’ve known
Never shined through in what I’ve shown.
Never free.
Never me.
So I dub thee unforgiven.

Never free.
Never me.
So I dub thee unforgiven.

You labelled me,
I’ll label you.
So I dub thee unforgiven.

Never free.
Never me.
So I dub thee unforgiven.

You labelled me,
I’ll label you.
So I dub thee unforgiven.

Never free.
Never me.
So I dub thee unforgiven.

~End

Today I heard the words “die regretfully” and I was struck. Do you ever have those moments where thoughts come into your head, uninvited? And they surprise you? That happens to me a lot, and it can be amazing and life-changing. Today I embraced these thoughts, because I knew they were powerful. I nearly started crying. I know I must do. I must forgive, I will forgive, am I ready to forgive? It sounds weird, but I am afraid to forgive. For so long I have said that I don’t know if I can forgive. I have become comfortable with the pain and the anger that I have felt. I have been able to cope and feel peaceful, but there is something missing. Forgiveness. When I left the cult, I was on a fast track to live my life the way that I wanted. No one could stop me. I wanted to experience everything that I had dreamed of and felt I was missing. I would die with no regrets. What I realized today was: To die with no regrets means that I must forgive.

This does not mean that what they did was okay. This does not mean that I won’t feel the pain or anger again. This only means that I am willing to take a step of healing.

So please be with me as I take this step. I am not even sure that I believe this and I’m sure I will have to do this repeatedly. I take deep breaths as I say:

To my abusers, and those who stood by without protest, I forgive you. I choose to live in peace, and without regret.

~E