Remember that game you play as a kid? “Trust” You fall backwards into the arms of a friend, expecting they will catch you. They do the same with you catching them. It is fun. Have you ever had someone drop you? If it happened once, you might be a little distrustful. If it happens over and over again, eventually you stop playing and stand on your own.
I have a big problem. I don’t trust. When I do, it takes a long time, and then it just takes a tiny mistake to get me distrustful again. I would rather do everything on my own. I have always been capable enough to do it all. Until now. I find myself at a point in my life that I cannot do it all. If I have a career, I am really not making any money for the family, I am just paying the daycare. Full time daycare means I miss out on valuable time with my children. Staying home with them means I am not contributing to paying the household bills. This has left me feeling helpless at times. I am so restless at night that I cannot sleep or find a solution. I feel trapped. My husband says to trust him. He makes enough money that we will get by. I handle the finances, so I know this to be true. However, I always like to have a backup. Just in case. I don’t want to depend on him, or anyone. I am accustomed to being let down, even eight years out of the cult. Thinking like this, like my Mom says, is “borrowing trouble”.
Here is the facts: my children are only little for a few years. Three years from now, they will all be in school and who knows what life will be like then. I am taking this valuable time to stay home with them, while going to college. Raising three little boys is a full time job. I am exhausted most days. But today I am reflecting and making some decisions: I will be focusing my mind on them, and will stop my mind from wandering down alternative paths. This is my life, and what I have chosen. I am aware that the transition is rough, but I am not alone. I am choosing to trust in my husband, and the spiritual forces unseen. I have a lot of wonderful, supportive, and invaluable people in my life. I am choosing to breathe and observe.
I am sitting here typing with a toddler on my lap. If you are reading this, you are supporting my dream, and I thank you.