First memory

How old were you in your first memory? Of what does the memory consist? Here’s mine:

Mom takes me out of bed, but doesn’t say anything. It is very dark outside. It is cold and snow covers everything. Mom puts me in the car, in my carseat. Mom starts driving. It is silent. No one is talking to me. Mom and Dad aren’t talking to each other, either. I sense urgency. It is very important to get where we are going. When Mom stops the car, I see we are at Grandma Jo’s house (Dad’s mom). When we walk in, there is no happy greeting. Grandma is crying, then Dad starts crying. I don’t know what is happening, no one is telling me. Mom lays me down on the couch and I fall back asleep.

When I was in my twenties, Mom told me this memory was from when I was 19 months old. That was the night my great grandparents died unexpectedly. No wonder no one was telling me anything. I was a baby.

I mentioned in one of my first posts about the spirits who would visit me at night. It was an old man and woman. Sometimes I wonder if it was my great grandparents coming to watch over me. As my life from childhood to adulthood progressed, I was able to ignore the spirits. I think it was because I was shutting out all emotions for a long long time. There have been times in my life, however, where I have felt a definite presence beside me, a hand on my shoulder for example. I look over and there is no one there. Friends and family members who have passed on have visited me in dreams and other places. I have found myself being more accepting of these experiences, and it is almost comforting knowing the spirits are there. I cherish their visits. Most people I talk to about this get freaked out. It’s ok, I understand. In art class last week, everyone thought a particular painting was “creepy” because there was a ghost-like figure in it. I found it comforting. I know I am different than some in this way. This is something I wonder about my oldest son. I think he has the intuitive gift that I have. I have seen the signs: anxiety, seeking comfort in the night. He has not talked about it, but I am ready.

Something happened today that gave me pause. I am asked a lot “why did you stay?” regarding the cult. I wrote in one of my first blogs about hearing thumping and yelling in the pastors office during a “meeting” (beating). And how the adults just shuffled us kids away. How they would leave when this would start. In art class today, we were talking about colors. One thing we learned was about false neutrals. And how blue jeans, for example, are a false neutral. Teacher says “raise your right hand” (what he says when he wants us to remember something) “if you see something too much, you ignore it”. Although I knew this, it was a good reminder. When I was young all the behavior of the cult leaders was shocking. As the events went on and on, I was able to ignore it.

~E